Murder?
by Kuroda-chan
Summary: [FE9][Path of Radaince][Crackfic] Oscar's been murdered... who's the culprit? Ike goes a bit overboard, but the investigation is started under his command. Please don't take this fic seriously, because it isn't really serious. Rated for safety. Ch2 up!
1. Chapter 1: Murder? Gasp!

Yeah, I wrote another Path of Radiance fic. I should probably wait until I finish the other one, but... who cares?

This one is a murder story. I don't usually write stuff like this, but I thought it would be good if I added a bit of a comedic twist into this. Yep, crackfic. There's probably a lot of OOC in this, but I hope it's still enjoyable!

**Murder...?**

**CHAPTER ONE - MURDER!**

* * *

It was definitely NOT an ordinary day at the mercenary fort. 

"OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OOOOOOOHHHH EMMMMM GEEEEEE!" Mist screamed hyperly.

"What is it _this time_, Mist?" Soren sighed.

"Guess." She said in her annoying voice.

"Is the kitchen on fire _again?_" Ike guessed.

"Did Boyd get his head stuck in the toilet _again?_" Mia wondered.

"Did Rhys forget how to breath _again?_" Zihark asked.

"Did Rolf eat posion ivy _again?_" Marcia threw a guess out.

"DID SHINON KILL SOMEBODY FROM OUR GROUP _AGAIN?_" Somebody screamed.

"...Maybe." Mist answered creepily.

"Just tell us what happened already!" Boyd demanded.

Mist sat down in a chair. "Okay..."

_"It was a dark and stormy night, when I saw that--"_

"Actually, it's morning." Zihark interrupted. "Plus, it's only raining, not really storming."

"SHUT UP, FOOL!" Mist screeched.

_"It was a rainy morning when I saw something... HOOOOOORRRRIIIIBLE! It was... OSCAR'S DEAD BODY!"_

"NO WAY!" Boyd objected. "OSCAR CAN'T BE... dead?"

"It's true!" Mist said.

Rolf began sobbing uncontrollably. "B-but... O-oscar was... MY ONLY FAMILY I HAD LEFT!" he wailed.

"Uh, Rolf...I'm right here." Boyd said. "It's me. YOUR BROTHER."

"SHUT UP BOYD!" Rolf yelled. "I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU, SO YOU DON'T COUNT FOR ANYTHING!"

"HA HA!" Shinon laughed. "REJECTED! LOSER!"

"I HATE YOU ALL!" Boyd screamed as he ran out the room in tears.

"Okay guys," Ike began, "I think it's hiiiigh time we came up with a list of... MURDER SUSPECTS!"

Everyone gasped at the mention of murder.

Ike looked over each mercenary in the room. "SHINON!" he yelled. "I think you're awwwwwfully suspicious! You've always hated Oscar, Boyd...me...Mist...Soren...every living person on the planet. I BET IT WAS YOU!"

Soren jotted Shinon's name down on a piece of paper.

"AND YOU!" Ike whirled around to look at Soren. "Soren, you never weeeeere like the rest of us! And you were always being a jerk to everyone (except me). SUUUUUSPIIIIICIOUS!" Ike grabbed the paper and pen and handed it to Zihark. "You write down the names. I don't want any BLOODY FINGERPRINTS on my awesome pen."

Zihark nodded and scribbled down 'Soren'.

Ike glared at everyone, and thought for a moment. "KIERAN!" He shouted, and everyone in the room jumped (some literally, some not). "You always proclaimed yourself to be Oscar's rival! I bet YOU had the motive... TO KILL!"

Kieran's name was added to Zihark's list.

"Oh, Zihark," Ike said, "Boyd said he hated all of us, which probably included Oscar. Add his name to the suspect list."

Zihark rolled his eyes, but still obeyed his commander.

"That's enough for now." Ike announced. "We'll continue our investigation later! Zihark, Titania, you two come with me. WE HAVE SOME PLANNING TO DO."

**END CHAPTER ONE**

* * *

Hmm, I hope this turned out okay. Sorry this chapter was a bit short, I didn't want it to drag on for a long time, and I thought this was a good stopping place.

As always, please review if you enjoyed the story, or give some constructive criticism if you didn't like it. Thanks.


	2. Chapter 2: Trials and Tribulations

Hopefully, this chapter will be longer... and funnier? Well, here it is, anyway.

**CHAPTER TWO**

* * *

"Okay, guys, I have the autopsy report." Ike said, trying to sound professional. He handed the "report" to Titania and Zihark. 

"Uh, Commander..." Zihark started.

"...This is just a drawing of a smiling stick figure." Titania finished.

"I know." Ike said. "It's the autopsy report."

-Insert awkward silence here-

"Why is he smiling if he's dead...?" Zihark asked, confused.

"Oscar was always a happy person!" Ike insisted.

Titania shook her head. "Um, but he can't be smiling if he's... dead." she said bluntly.

"YES HE CAN THIS IS OSCAR WE'RE TALKING ABOUT" Ike protested with no punctuation whatsoever. Well, except for the apostrophe. But still.

Nobody felt like arguing with Ike anymore, so we'll let that matter rest. I think.

* * *

"All right, I've come up with a new suspect." Ike stated triumphantly. 

"Well, tell us who it is." Titania said.

"OSCAR!" Ike screamed loudly.

"So you're saying it's a suicide?" Zihark questioned.

"No."

"That doesn't even make sense!" Titania sighed.

"Well, of course it does!" Ike argued.

"So...he killed himself, but it wasn't a suicide?" Zihark was getting frustrated. Well, so was Titania.

"Yes. That's EXACTLY what I'm saying." Ike nodded. "I'm glad you understand my point."

Titania and Zihark shot each other glances that said _'Let's just play along...'_

Poor Titania and Zihark.

* * *

Ike and Co. confronted Volke, the assassin. 

"VOLKE!" Ike shouted. As usual. "I think you're pretty suspicious!"

"Why am I suspicious?" Volke asked.

"BECAUSE YOU JUST ARE AND I THINK YOU'RE SUSPICIOUS WHICH AUTOMATICALLY MAKES YOU SUSPICIOUS!" Yeah, I didn't understand Ike either, and I'm the one who wrote it.

Volke shook his head. "I'm on a job for Bastian right now, so there's no way I could have--"

"OH, SO BASTIAN IS THE ONE BEHIND THE MURDER, HMMMMM?" Ike guessed loudly. "Obviously, he hired you for a job. And I think that job was TO KILL OSCAR! You ARE an assassin, after all..."

Bastian randomly popped into the scene. Don't ask how, I because I don't know. "LIES! ALL LIES!" He protested.

But Ike didn't believe him. In fact, I don't think Ike believe what anybody says but himself. "Zihark. Bastian and Volke. Add 'em both. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, GUYS. I don't want to be hanging around with... MURDERERS!"

* * *

"Put down Lethe's name." Ike ordered. "She's a sub-human, and all sub-humans are racist, so she probably had the motive." 

"Hypocrite." Titania muttered.

"EXCUSE ME TITANIA, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE I ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!" Ike yelled. Then he went back to the...uh... investigation. "Oh, add that Tormod kid, too."

"Why?" Titania asked innocently.

"BECAUSE HE ATE THE LAST GRANOLA BAR, **THAT'S WHY**! And I never really liked that kid." Ike answered... violently?

"Um...Ike," Zihark began, "This list is completely biased."

'THAT'S IT!" Ike screamed. "I'VE HAD IT WITH BOTH OF YOU! TITANIA, YOU'VE BEEN DEMOTED FROM YOUR POSITION AS DEPUTY COMMANDER! PLUS, YOU TWO ARE BOTH KICKED OFF THE INVESTIGATION TEAM!"

"Commander, please stop yell--" Titania started to say, but she was interrupted by Ike yelling. Again.

"I LIKE USING CAPS LOCK, SO YOU CAN JUST **SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!**"

Zihark and Titania just ran away. Can't blame them, though.

Well, Ike thought he needed a new Deputy Commander, so he promoted...

Wait for it...

BROM! And he added Mist to the investigation team.

"Oh, Mist." Ike said, not shouted, thankfully. "Add Zihark and Titania to the list. I hate them both."

* * *

Ike looked over his list of suspects. "Let's see... Shinon, Kieran, Soren, Oscar, Boyd, Tormod, Lethe, Volke, Bastian, Titania, Zihark. I CAN'T BELIEVE SO MANY OF MY OWN MERCENARIES WOULD COMMIT... MURDER!" 

Reyson walked over to Ike. "Ike, I'll be a witness, if you need me to. I saw the murder. WITH MY OWN EYES."

"Good, good." Ike nodded. "The more evidence, THE BETTER! Now, let's get this trial STARTED!"

* * *

Everyone was gathered in...some room for the...ah..."trial".

"Reyson." Ike said. "TO THE STAAAAAAND!"

The heron prince looked around, confused. "Um... where's the stand?"

"Actually, I don't know." Ike admitted. "I guess you could just... stay where you are. But enough of that. TESTIMONY. NOW."

Reyson shifted nervously in the chair, and stood up. "Well...

It early yesterday morning. It was raining. I saw Oscar go into his tent, but I didn't pay any attention to it. Then, I saw a figure clothed completely in black slip into the tent, then I heard a scream. Then I ran away crying for my dad.

And that's aaaalll I remember."

Ike nodded. "You may be seated. NOW. Let's have our first suspect go to the..er...stand up! SHINON!"

Shinon moaned, and stood up. "This is just a waste of my time!"

"Shut up, nobody cares about your personal needs." Ike stated. "Now, if you have a reasonable alibi, we'll let you go."

"I was out training with Gat--" Shinon was cut off by Ike yelling again.

"WELL, IS THAT SO? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR A SECOND!" Ike screamed. Everyon rolled their eyes at the crazy commander. "Actually..." the blue-haird boy began. "I'm getting hungry. I'M PUTTING THIS TRIAL ON HOLD SO I CAN GET SOMETHING TO EAT! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"

And everyone groaned at the thought of waiting for Ike.

**END OF CHAPTER TWO**

I hope this one was better. Please review!


	3. Chapter 3: In the Coat Closet

Sorry for the late update, I just sort of... forgot about it. I'll try to update faster.

Sorry this chapter is a little short, I wanted to update it since it had been a while...

**CHAPTER THREE**

"BAILIFF!" Ike yelled. "GET SHINON OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Everyone looked around at each other, wondering who the bailiff was.

"Uh..." Ike glanced around the room. "GATRIE! YOU'RE BAILIFF, OKAY?! Actually, I changed my mind, Throw 'im in the OTHER coat closet and lock the door."

"Uh... yes sir." Gatrie said reluctantly and proceeded to drag Shinon out of the room.

"OBJECTION!" Shinon cried out as a last resort, but nothing happened.

Ike paid no attention to Shinon's outburst, and continued looking down the list of suspects. "Let's see... next would be... Titania and Zihark. Ha ha, I forgot. I locked both of them in that coat closet. Ahahaaa...AHAHAHAHAHA!!"

* * *

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE!!!" Titania screamed. "Wait... Maybe... Zihark, you could pick the lock with a coat hanger!" 

"Why me?" Zihark moaned. "It was your idea in the first place! Plus, we'd need some pliers to get it off the shelf thing! Why are they even attached? Nobody's going to steal one of them!"

"Well, maybe I can get it off!" Titania said. She stood up, but banged her head on the underside of the shelf, which caused all the coats to fall off their hangers.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Zihark screamed as a mountain of coats tumbled on top of him. "I'M SUFFOCATING!!! TITANIA, HELP MEEEEEE!"

When Titania bumped her head, she must've hit something important, because she started to sing that one song from Charlie the Unicorn. "Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up, then just head right on up to the Candy Mountain Cave!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land, such a HAPPY and JOYFUL and perky merry land! They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things, OH SO MANY THINGS THAT WILL BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY!"

"Can't...breathe..."

"It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town! It's the neck of lovely candy cave! They've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats; candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets! Buy the candy train to town and hear the candy band! Candy bells, it's a treat, as they march across the land! Cherry ribbon stream across the sky and to the ground, turn around, it astounds! It's a dancing candy treat!"

"MAKE IT STOP!"

"In the Candy Cave imagination runs so free, so now--" Titania was interrupted by Zihark, who, after finally getting out from underneath the pile of coats, punched the paladin in the face. "...Ow..."

Suddenly, the door to the coat closet opened. Titania started cackling madly for no reason whatsoever, and Zihark hid underneath a coat and screamed, "THE LIGHT! IT BUUUUUUURNS!"

Gatrie stood at the doorway. "Hey guys! I came to rescue you! And so did Shinon!"

Shinon, who was also in the hall, shook his head. "Don't get any ideas, Gatrie just dragged me along," he pouted, "And I'd rather not be locked in a coat closet."

* * *

Ike was still torturing the murder "suspects". Well, actualy, he drew a picture of Oscar and was trying to interrogate it. 

"Not talking, EHHHHH?" Ike asked the paper. "I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING!"

Er... let's go back to Zihark, Titania, and the other two.

* * *

"BERRIES AND CREAM, BERRIES AND CREAM!" Titania sang, "I'M A LITTLE LAD WHO LOVES BERRIES AND CREEEEEEEEAM!" Titania was continuously smacked on the head by either Shinon or Zihark to keep her from singing as the walked down the hall.

* * *

Ike stood up from his comfy chair (whereas everyone else had to sit on the floor or a wooden chair during the trial). "Mmkay guys, I'm getting bored of this trial! I SAY IT'S TIME FOR SOME REAL INVESTIGATION!" 

"What's the real investigation?" somebody called out from the crowd.

Ike sighed, acting like he knew everything and that everyone else was too stupid to comprehend it. "A REAL INVESTIGATION IS GOING THROUGH EVERY PERSONAL BELONGING OF A SUSPECT AND LOOKING FOR CLUES AND STUFF!"

"Uh..." Mist started. "Does that mean we get to raid their rooms?"

"Well OF COURSE we're raiding their rooms!" Ike rolled his eyes. "WON'T IT BE FUN?!"

"NOT FOR US!" somebody shouted out from the crowd.

"Well, I don't exactly care about you guys..." Ike began, "And if it's fun for me, we're doing it!"

-Insert groaning and moaning here-

**END CHAPTER THREE**

9582fmlwei483fkd Sorry for the late update!


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